Wine and Other Marriage Savers

The Man and I are in our 10th year of marriage. We’ve been together for 13. We’re still figuring each other out; it’s no secret that men and women are different. Hundreds of books, including the ones about the planets, have been written about the topic.

Just because we’re different doesn’t mean it has to be difficult. My marriage is by no means perfect, but we’ve employed a few good tricks for making the household happier.

First, invest in a king-sized bed. I don’t care how much you like to snuggle. You can still cuddle or whatever in a king-sized bed. When you’re done, you can roll over and slumber soundly. The Man and I sleep in different zip codes and I’m completely fine with that. He’s still technically right there next to me and whatnot, but we don’t have to touch while we sleep. He tells me goodbye each morning, but I don’t ever hear his alarm go off. We sleep. Sleep makes people happy.

Drink wine (or scotch, bourbon or tequila).

Add the DVR service to your cable bill. It may seem like a waste of a few dollars per month, but trust me on this one. If The Man is watching a show, I don’t have to wait until the commercial to speak! He can now hit pause and listen to me. It took some getting used to, though. I’d walk in the room, saying, “Babe?” and he’d roll his eyes before saying, “WHAT?” But eyelashes fluttering, a million-dollar grin and “just push pause” reminds him that he can be annoyed with me no longer. See? We talk more.

Deal with the fact that someone will always be too hot, and someone will always be too cold. It’s a fact and no amount of clandestine thermostat toggling will change that. Your power bill may suffer, though. He’s hot during the summer; I’m cold during the winter. I have a space heater that follows me around the house.

Drink wine (or scotch, bourbon or tequila).

Understand that sometimes, well, okay, many times, he doesn’t care. Easy, killer. I’m not saying he’s a jerk. He just doesn’t have the capacity to care about the little things, or the petty stuff going on with your girlfriends. Don’t try to tell me that your guy really is so great and will listen anytime. He may hear you, but he’s not listening. He’s thinking about his golf game.

Give each other space. It’s okay if y’all don’t want to spend every waking moment together. If you’ve been paying attention, you’ll remember that I also suggested sleeping in a big bed. It’s not my intention to advise that couples spend all their time apart. Hell, I’m not really qualified to be advising anyone on anything. Anyway… my basic point is this: get out of the house. I don’t mean on dates (though they’re important as well). Go out with your friends, without one another. Guys, she can go. You can handle baths and bedtime for one night (per week). Oh, and by the way, it’s not babysitting when you’re home with your own kids, i.e. “The Man is home babysitting The Kids tonight.” It’s called parenting.

Drink wine (or scotch, bourbon or tequila).

Congrats to my main squeeze for putting up with me, as your wife, for nearly a decade. Thanks for giving me breaks, letting me sleep and bringing me a blanket when I’m cold. What, you didn’t hear me? Tomorrow night, I’m outta here. You’ve got bath duty. Cheers!